pROLOGUE

It’s been about a year and a half since I slipped out my car and I watched myself snap; out of my body, the sound of my screaming tearing me in half … Speeding out of the woods and into a clearing, with my hands off the wheel and onto the ceiling. And I was just thinking, “It’s only a matter of time ’til I’m bleeding. At least I’m not bleeding.” And I was just ...

I’m a burnout driving fast in a car. Without a good map, I never know where we are, and I don’t like that but I’m just playing the part I can read. Yeah, I’mma burn out, write your name on the road where I peel out so everybody’ll know that I got no doubts about who I want riding with me … Speeding out of the woods and into a clearing, with my hands off the wheel and onto the ceiling. And I was just thinking, “It’s only a matter of time ’til I’m bleeding. At least I’m not bleeding.” 

Are you with me? Did you follow me out of my body? Are we both looking down, or is it just me? Are we doin’ impossible things? ‘Cause I’m a dark horse in the fury of flight from the meltdown that set my mane on fire, and all around the sound of breakdown is following me … Speeding out of the woods and into a clearing, with my hands off the wheel and onto the ceiling. And I was just thinking, “It’s only a matter of time ’til I’m bleeding. At least I’m not bleeding.”

CHAPTER 1

I stood there in the evening, in the valley, looking up at the horizon longingly. Its edge so sharply carved out of the heights was disappearing, and I was watching the dim sky give up its last light and give in to a dark night.

I wept there for a moment, softly sobbing, with the darkness resting on me silently. Its weight, so heavy, pushed me down to lay there in the black of my despairing, and I was watching the starlight fight back through midnight, and fight its way to sunrise.

I felt my bones had broken, each one splitting under pressure, ground to powder violently; their fortitude, so sure the day before, reduced to frailty. Then I saw Morning rise calmly to light up the valley and lighten my body.

I stood up in the morning, in the valley, looking up at the horizon tearfully. It’s edge, so softly lit upon the heights, while reappearing … while reappearing … and I was taken by surprise, seeing with new eyes the landscape of my delight. I was brought back to life by nothing that I could have done in the night where you saw me.

CHAPTER 2

In ignorance and desperate times, I chased the thought that 

I could modify my human form and my shattered mind; melt down the weak to be fortified.

So, I set to build a surrogate, but in the mold I distorted it. I can’t even tell the difference between the clone and the origin.

So maybe I miscalculated? There’s a compromise in the calibration, and this masterpiece that I meant to make might take me out and take my place.

cHAPTER 3

Do I have to hate myself before I can ask for help, or is there a space between the two extremes of having to shut my mouth when I feel like lashing out and making a martyr of my brutal honesty? 

I don't want to make this real. I don't want to make you feel.

If I have to hurt myself to prove that I need your help, then who takes the fall for all this pain I've caused? Am I still the one we blame when you're tired of listening, or am I a hero just for reaching out at all?

I don't want to make this real. I don't want to make you feel.

Ankle-deep in The Shallows, you saw how I swallowed the surface and struggled to keep it all down. I was thrashing, so you started splashing. The rippling current got rough and it covered the sound. I could see how it scared you. I couldn't prepare you for everything. Now I’ve been drowning for months, and the bottom is not where I thought it was. I started sinking and now there's no air in my lungs.

When I hit the ground, the silence was deafening, and you talked so loud. So, I shut my mouth, and now I’m wondering how it feels to drown you out.

CHAPTER 4

Overrun, far away from you; table set for two, but I’m done. Overfull, holding on to you. I’ve got too much to do before I’m gone, so love me. Who could love me? Is there anyone after what I’ve done?

Aftermath: In the wake of it. For the sake of it, I get lost. After that, what’s a boy to do? I can’t do that to you, so get lost and love me. Who could love me? Is there anyone after what I’ve done?

Ambition has my heart and it’s got me. It’s got me on lockdown.
Ambition has my heart, and I know that I let you down. 

Ambition has my heart and it’s got me. It’s got me on lockdown.
Ambition has my heart, and I know that I let you love me.
Who could love me? Is there anyone after what I’ve done?

Chapter 5

Somehow I keep falling over sideways, and right now I'm just lying in the driveway; hands all over my face. God, I need some headspace. Thought I had to get away, but I'm not strong enough to stay, and I wanna find a balance. I just wanna find a balance between all the lives I got scattered inside, and I can handle it a little bit longer. It's pushing me over, and I just want - I wanna find - I just want - I just wanna find a balance.

Broke down, I was speeding like a drag race. Another night wasted running back to my place. Crying on the highway. Why am I a headcase? Can't think straight enough to drive. I'm still afraid it wasn't right, and I wanna find a balance. Yeah, I wanna find a balance between all the lives I got scattered inside, and I can handle it a little bit longer. It's pushing me over, and I just want - I wanna find - I just want - Yeah, I wanna find balance. Thought I had to get away, but I’m not strong enough to stay.

I wanna find a balance. Yeah, I wanna find a balance between all the lives I got scattered inside, and I can handle it a little bit longer. It's pushing me over, and I just want - I wanna find - I just want - I wanna find a balance.

Chapter 6

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